Jail Cell of Memory

You were just some boy

I didn’t even know your existence

I didn’t even know your name

Then you spoke to me

A single goodbye

And you had my brain entangled

I had to know more

I had to satiate my curiosity

I didn’t know what I was getting

            myself into

            my heart into

            my emotions into

            my life into

Except that I did

I knew

you were that boy

you would have your life

you would have admirers

you would have your flaws

you would make me forget – or, rather, not care

you would break my heart

you would one day leave, be gone, be free

A final goodbye

            just as it started, it would end

            you with your singular line – your single goodbye

            and I would be caught off guard

Stunned

            into silence

            heart pierced

mind racing, wondering, curious

by need, to be satiated

without a response to sustain moment

And eventually, you have been erased

– removed, except not really

And that goodbye, that forgetting

            is the best and worst moment of my life

Because I cannot deal with all the pain and tears

            that you caused me

            that I brought upon myself in my paranoia, my silence, my presence by your presence

Glad to be away from it all,

            Yet I want to be back again

Glad to know I’ll still have you in my brain and heart

– memory

yet I want to know why can’t I free you

            from this jail cell within me

                        and why can’t this jail cell let me free?

Locking up these emotions and thoughts and memories

            is the best and the worst for me

                        it was and is the death and life of you and me

                                    and of you

and of I

Confidante

I want to be the one you come to

In your time of need, want, pain, and bliss

I want to be the one you trust true

In all times whenever and whatever it is

No matter what, I’ll be here

No matter what they think and say

I’ll never turn my back, my dear

I’ll never leave and walk away

I’m here as long as you wish for me

I’m here each and every step of the way

We’ll fall once, twice, a million times to be

We’ve met and are, now I’m here to stay

As a genuine friend ought

I’m putting my heart and trust in you

Not stressing when we may have fought

Because that’s not all we’ve been through

Each walk down a separate trail

We may seem to split apart and forgotten

But don’t let these illusions blur and prevail

We lasted and shared all treasured and rotten

Decades or seconds when you want to start

I’ll be open and sitting here still

With ready arms and a steady heart

Let your reality, thoughts, and tears spill

Cry and rant until no more can come

And although I cannot do much but listen,

I’ll do what I can to keep hearing your heart’s drum

Because your smile and life makes everyday glisten

With each breath since we met

Our futures have been intertwined

My purpose has been set

Because I’m promising, signed

Hearing I’m your confidante makes my lifetime

And it sets me at ease knowing you’d be mine

Letters Awry

Another glance back to another

Dance back to another

Chance back to the way it was

Eager for love

Also for life

Hoping that the beginning didn’t

Rear such a suffering distance

Together for once blunt

More is undone at the hunt

Now it’s become clear

In the eyes of fear

Looking within to outside

Younger days of now seem pastime

War of the soul

Angels and demons combine

Null at the brink and toll

Each drawn then shrunken behind

Yearning, feeling nauseous

Afraid of being looked down upon

Masking any and all promiscuous

Kicking away that devil’s spawn

Verifying what has been isn’t what is

Justifying who, what, when, where, why

Worrying something lies amiss

Moreover standing at the ready, sly

Never ending peace, angst, terror, bliss

Recording decisions and contradictions awry

Dreamwake

In memory of Doug Uselton; you are dearly missed and your life celebrated. RIP

Just the other day, I had seen you jubilant and proud

Just the other day, I heard your voice bellowing and loud

Just the other day, I didn’t think twice about what was to come

Just the other day, I thought to the sounds of the raining drum

I thought it was just yet another day bestowed

An eerie feeling of worry washes over me

A knowing feeling fills me and those around

But we shrug it off

And we tell ourselves otherwise

It is just another day

And another day is to come

But we are called in

Confused, we follow

Step by step towards our seats

Unaware of what was to come

Taking our seats still like any day

We quiet down and face towards the front

Then is when reality hits

We are told, we could no longer be in the shadows

Ignorance swiped to make way

For knowledge and acknowledgement

Silent gasps, teary stares, breathless sobs

Embraces around long and tight

Wishing to hug away the pain and injustice

It wasn’t meant to be this way

Crying and shaking, words barely audible

In person and in spirit

We comfort and need comfort

Awaking the next day hoping it was all a dream

But reality stays a truth

And in our dreamwake we need to realize

That each day is not just another day

Cherish your moments

Cherish your friends

Cherish your family

Cherish strangers

Because everything around you is beautiful

And you should not wait until it is too late to realize

And life goes on, but memory lasts longer

Legacy holds and love holds further

Do not despair and feel disheartened

Do not deny and feel distraught

Reasons though unseen or seemingly unjustifiable

Exist amongst us, despite existing unanswerably

Celebrate life that was and is

Forever and to eternity

Expression

I am a lugophile, a lover of words

The words that accompany my darkest hours

The sayings that voice my bliss

The angels that hark the tacenda,

Things not mentioned

This epeolatry, this worship of words,

Lays completely founded

They exist and are to express

My thoughts, my opinions, my emotions, my experiences

Their feel, a baisemain, a kiss on the hand

Their sound, a psithurism, a whispering sound

Their scent, a petrichor, a smell of rain on dry ground

I am a lugophile, a lover of words

They satiate my wanderlust,

My strong, irresistible impulse to travel

They bring me to new heights

And create new sanctions

I travel this world and all others

And in my times of lethologica,

My inability to recall a precise word,

I can turn to my art, the art which I love

My drawings and paintings,

My lines, curves, and dotted dashes

My colors and that there of or lack of

My spectrum, my rainbow, my photograph

To capture those thoughts, opinions, emotions, and experiences

Which words cannot explain

That only vision can express

That brings pictures to life

That explores everywhere and elsewhere

Alongside the words, the words which I love

As Seasons Change

Oranges, browns, blues, greens

The spectrum of the year

And the pantomime of its seasons

The sounds of ocean breeze

Mix with the sweet showers of rain

The clash of thunder

Booming with the gongs and drums

The whistle of birds

Entangled with the sounds

Of wind chimes and glass bottles

The melodies of the wind and world file in

Filling the soul with passion and freedom

Cleansing past pain to dull

And rejuvenating life in inspiring ways

Stronger with each turn of the cycle

And each month past

Following and leading through the seasons

Heart’s song weaves through

Sweet smells with each note

Memories created and unfolded

Silent understanding in each

Tight embrace,

Light touch,

Quiet glance,

Loud laugh,

And fond seconds past

Watching and loving

What many either cannot or will not

Wafting in the beauty of the seasons

Wishing naught despite what

Wandered through the past

Wallowing in regret won’t make amends

Work forward and find yourself again

The rain showers pounding sweetly

Upon water, pavement, and brick

Singing stormy stories

As thunderclouds hover

Dispensing thunder’s tremors and tales

Lighting lashes the length of the sky

Bolting brightly, breaking by the grey

As people hide under their covers

I sing with the song and run outside

Arms thrown wide, head thrown back

Laughing as I spin

Loving as I live

Circles upon circles

Twirling and dancing

Insane and perfect in every way

Ripples trail along the surface

Cold air nips at my nose and fingertips

Water droplets all around

Atmosphere clean and anew

Wind whips my hair

Behind my head then

Across my face

Hands move to push it back

To little avail

Let it be and let all be

Listen instead and focus instead

On the secrets of the breeze

Listen to the sounds of the seasons

Shifting each second

Taste the colors as they melt to one

Creating new days overlapping old

Feel the difference of the atmosphere

Morphing to something better

Observe the storms and winds ahead

Challenging your every step

And listen to that song of your soul

Moving to the changes of the seasons

Explosive Renewal

Situation expected from the very start

Knew it was coming after your heart

Certain to appear, but when?

Guard dropped momentarily, and then

Blunt and honest; why drop clues?

Upfront and direct; why not if it’s true?

Striking at the heart bandaged from rips before

With sharp stabs that dull and then hit the core

Water collects at the rims

But with a hard swallow, dims

Knowing that it hurts others to see you cry

That they hate the sight of your tears, so you try

Achieving what has not ever before

You cry no more; what is wrong?

Nothing evokes those watery streaks

No matter what emotion from inside sneaks

Feeling everything and nothing simultaneously

All and none at the same time explosively

Confusion sets in, but naught else would

Lingering on not as it should

Emotions built up a firewall

To pick and choose from the ball

Of eternity at once, cluttered

Pounded together, yet still fluttered

Negativity held back

Trying to fill that spot you now lack

Channeling that pent-up anger to production

Channeling that happy relief to laughter

Sadness escapes past the guards for a moment

Brings a wrenching pain’s descent

But no tears fall, ability temporarily lost

Starting that day, emotions combined and crossed

Feeling so fake and surreal

From such control; what was the earlier appeal?

Drawing on emotions; simple crops to pick

Shutting away, pushing aside any painful kicks

Mentioned at all, throbbing pain

Seen at all, continues to strain

But knowing other’s happiness, lightened

A smile forms, rejuvenated and enlightened

An entire lifetime crammed in,

Into the short test of time therein

Closer than most others would ever, could ever, be

Reborn and reincarnated into a new you for the world to see

Life Mechanism

Hospitalized

Alone

Separate

In isolation

No visitors

No guests

Family, friends, who?

All too busy, all too far

When they come and you are bedridden

When they come and you are in comatose

When they come and you cannot move

You cannot talk, swallow, or move your eyes

Wanting only love and compassion

Wanting someone to care

Only then will limbo fade

And the chains and bonds break

Escaping at last into florescent lighting

Into more encasement within white walls

And insistent beeping of machinery

Of the constant flow of air through ventilators

Of nutrition and drugs flowing through veins

Broken into by needles and tubes

A living human science project

And near hopeless cause revitalized

Brought home at last

A home you missed for decades past

Finally with those that will look after you

As a newborn child once again

At the ends of the cycle

And attention returns

With people together through each daily second

Until the new beginning arises

Born Stubborn

Stubborn and unmoving

Backing down is not an option

Displaying weakness

A moment’s sign of misjudgment

Stubborn and persistent

Giving up means naught

Giving out means all

Following through until the end

Stubborn and willful

Knowing the want

Wanting the dream

Dreaming becomes reality

Stubborn and unyielding

Taking each destructive denial

Accepting each blowing bullet

Embracing each rearing rejection

Stubborn and intractable

Aching to the core with need

Needing with your all to complete

Completing self only with them

Stubborn and sweet

Fantasies coming true

Life’s work so long paying off

Fighting for that residing in heart

Stubborn and strong

Aspirations and innovations bloom

Breaking down impossible barriers

Standing for that dwelling the mind

Stubborn and soulful

Dripping blood, sweat, tears

Radiating joy, love, pride

Believing in that invading the spirit

Stubborn as always

Holding back nothing

Pushing forth through all Fog.

Rain. Snow. Sleet. Hail. Sun.

Test and Tears

If loving is such a crime

I will gladly do the time

Pass this test and the tears

Taking it on with no fears

Caught in the lie

Fearing plenty though I try

Not to succumb to giving up

Not merely some lovesick pup

Thrashed and beaten through this course

Roughly bashed in river’s force

The waters of love, patchy and cruel

But leading to beauty and life fuel

Nights in bed, mind conflicted

Mornings in hiding, feeling constricted

The waters of love and waters of pain

Flow together from the eyes they stain

But this test will be beaten

As I knew all along, victory then

All worthwhile through wait and ache

As it was for your and my sake

Times gone by so swiftly sly

Such a history in short span by

Knowing one like the other

That differences can’t smother

All so clear and linked

Each thought seems synced

Yet couldn’t be further apart

In everything other than thy heart

Such unusual beginnings start

Before even aware of such a part

Hurt for that of one elsewhere

In memory linked a pair

First and foremost such care

To the extents of despair

Still trudging persistently

Dreams crushed reviving lively