The Brothers Grimm Spectaculathon (Vanessa and Sumesh's Final Cut)

This is Sumesh and my Dual Interpretation (Duo) script for the 2011-2012 school year. We went through SO many cuts and versions and spins of this script by Don Zolidis. We had so much fun developing the characters and putting our own spin to the story. I hope you enjoy what ended up being our final cut of the year! The Brothers Grimm Spectaculathon - Vanessa and Sumesh's version, everyone. Enjoy!

NARRATOR 2. Sunday Sunday Sunday. It's EXTREME! See! Monster slaying action as the three-headed pig battles the wolf-o-bot in a bone-crushing cage match of death. They'll huff and they'll puff and they'll kick some! –

NARRATOR 1. Okay, stop. We're not doing that.

NARRATOR 2. Blood! Violence! Death! People being cut open with scissors!

NARRATOR 1. Can you stop?

NARRATOR 2. Flames! Flames!

NARRATOR 1. Enough, You're weirding them out.

NARRATOR 2. I'm EXTREME.

NARRATOR 1. No you're not. Can we just do the show?                                                                        

NARRATOR 2. I’m so excited I’m going to throw up.

NARRATOR 1. A little background to begin.

NARRATOR 2. The Brothers Grimm were brothers named Grimm. They are dead. But in the period before they died the Brothers Grimm wrote 209 fairy tales –

NARRATOR 1. They didn't write them –

NARRATOR 2. The Brothers Grimm did not write 209 fairy tales that we know today, they were frauds. We should dig up their bodies and spit on their corpses.

NARRATOR 1. No! I'm just saying that they were collectors of stories. Quite a few of these stories have become immortalized in film and television-

NARRATOR 2. Of course they've all been changed by "the mouse," to feed their enormous octopus-like animation empire which sucks the life out of existence and crushes your soul in a death-grip of happy happy songs and talking objects. I can't even speak their name aloud because they're looking for a way to sue me right now. You won't win. My uncle is a lawyer! He defended OJ. That means I can kill anyone I want and no one can get me.

NARRATOR 1. O-kay. What we are going to do for you right now is return these fairy tales to their original glory.

SUMESH.  Society is a myriad of problems…

VANESSA. My chocolate chip cookie was oatmeal raisin.

SUMESH.  My family fights over the remote.

VANESSA. Teenagers

SUMESH. Trespassing.

VANESSA. Backroom deals.

SUMESH. Theft.

VANESSA. Violence.

SUMESH.  Drug abuse.

VANESSA. Starvation.

SUMESH.  Dehumanization.

VANESSA. Politics.

BOTH. My duo partner

SUMESH. Which all leads to nuclear war.

VANESSA. Dude. Wrong event.

SUMESH. Right.  But the biggest problem is that these problems have their own problem. Perception.

VANESSA. Instead of portraying reality, fairy tales have us believe in “happily ever afters.”

SUMESH. So, today, we’d like to put a more realistic spin on the problems of

 Snow White

 The Stepmother

Hansel

Gretel

The Witch

Rapunzel

The Devil

Rapunzel’s Mother

BOTH. In The Brother’s Grimm Spectaculathon by Don Zolidis.

BOTH. Once upon a time there was...

STEPMOTHER. Snow White.

SNOW WHITE. Stepmother.

BOTH NARRATORS.  The battle you’ve all been waiting for.

STEPMOTHER. I believe you're putting on weight.

SNOW WHITE. Not on this body, sister. These curves are tight and streamlined like a racing yacht owned by a rich Colombian drug dealer.

STEPMOTHER. I think you might need to tweeze your eyebrows. They're looking ... puffy.

SNOW WHITE. My eyebrows are sculpted like a block of clay in the hands of a blind god of sculpting eyebrows.

BOTH NARRATORS. What happens when they stop being nice and start being real?

STEPMOTHER. Look at me and know despair, Snow White. I've tucked , sucked , and erased every visible trace of the past twenty-seven years, and now, I am more beautiful than even you.

SNOW WHITE. You're hideous and deformed! My stomach recoils in horror as you approach!

STEPMOTHER. I AM more beautiful than you. I am! I am the prettiest!

SNOW WHITE. When are you going to learn Stepmother, that we women shouldn't be judged by our surface beauty but rather by the contents of our brains?

BOTH NARRATORS. You’ll find out, who’s the toughest of them all?

STEPMOTHER. That's stupid. No one cares about ugly people.

SNOW WHITE. Well no one cares about you!

STEPMOTHER. How about I take you on then?

SNOW WHITE. A titanic struggle of good and evil. Purity versus corruption.

BOTH. Everybody was kung fu fighting!

STEPMOTHER. Your kung fu is strong.

NARRATOR 2. Our next story: Hansel. And. Gretel.

GRETEL. Hansel, I saw you smoking.

HANSEL. Smoking is cool, Gretel. It makes me feel like a man with dark, sultry lungs and a deep, masculine cough. Let's go out in the woods.

GRETEL. I don't know if I want to.

HANSEL. IN SOVIET RUSSIA YOU DON’T KNOW WANT. WANT KNOW YOU..

GRETEL.  Okay.

HANSEL. Here we are in the woods.  IT’S A HOUSE. MADE OUT OF CANDY!

WITCH 1. Are you eating my house?

HANSEL. No!

WITCH. I'm going to teach you a lesson. By eating you.

WITCH. But I'm going to fatten you up first.

NARRATOR 2. So Hansel and Gretel were locked away and force fed sugar water and they got fatter.

HANSEL.  Are you going to eat that?

GRETEL. No!

NARRATOR 1. Then they dieted a little bit. But then they got fatter again.

NARRATOR 2. Until one day…

HANSEL. Eat this, witch!

WITCH. Ah I'm melting! Oh wait ... I'm burning and dying in an ironic way!!

HANSEL. Hey Gretel. I was talking to some bad kids. And they were telling me that drugs are cool. It's fairy dust. Everyone's doing it. It lets you fly.

GRETEL. No!

 HANSEL. I'll do it myself then.

NARRATOR 1. And he jumped off a cliff.

HANSEL. I believe I can fly! I believe I can…

GRETEL. Oh no. Fairy dust has claimed another life. All we are is dust in the wind.

NARRATOR 2. Our next story: Rapunzel and her Mother

NARRATOR 1. Her mother? She was poor.

GIRL. Oh I am poor.

NARRATOR 1. I just said that.

GIRL. Oh, I can’t even afford dirt.

DEVIL. Excuse me - but I couldn't help overhearing your tale of misery and woe. Tell you what-I will grant you your heart's desire if you give me one small thing.

GIRL. That sounds like a great bargain. I won't even ask what the small thing is because I'm so innocent and trusting and stupid!

DEVIL. Just sign this one small contract and I shall make you rich. Beyond your wildest dreams. And you shall conceive a daughter so beautiful the very earth will want to kiss her. But in a platonic way. Nothing kinky.

GIRL. That sounds like a great idea. Because I’m stupid.

DEVIL. Moo ah ha ha ha ha ha!

GIRL. Hey look a giant pot of gold!

NARRATOR 1. And she conceived a child.

GIRL. Whoah! How did that happen?

RAPUNZEL. Through magic. The magic of the devil!

NARRATOR 1. Years passed.

GIRL. Rapunzel, cut your hair.

RAPUNZEL. I do what I want! GOT IT? OR I WILL TEAR OUT YOUR TINY HEART AND USE IT AS A CHEW TOY FOR MY HALF-CHIHUAHUA, HALF-DOBERMAN MIX, GOT IT?

DEVIL. I have returned. Your time is up.

GIRL. Fine. What do you want?

DEVIL. Your child.

RAPUNZEL. Mom!?!!

GIRL. I may have signed with the devil…

RAPUNZEL. Mom!?!!

GIRL. What?! I was young! I needed the money! And the baby! But really just the money.

RAPUNZEL. I can't believe you! I hate you! I am so outta here!

NARRATOR 2. Our next story is

NARRATOR 1. Hold on. We don’t have enough actors left to continue…

NARRATOR 2. So it's time for the lightning round re-cap? Ready?

NARRATOR 1. I was born ready.

NARRATOR 2. All right then. And ... GO!

NARRATOR 1. Snow White.

NARRATOR 2. Vanity. Violence.

NARRATOR 1. Hansel and Gretel.

NARRATOR 2. Gluttony. Drug abuse.

NARRATOR 1. Rapunzel and her mother.

NARRATOR 2. Greed. Teenagers.

NARRATOR 1. The Brothers Grimm Spectaculathon.

NARRATOR 2.It's EXTREME!

NARRATOR 1. Our problems are extreme.

The Force Called Frenemy

This was my Original Prose and Poetry (OPP) piece for my 2011-2012 Speech and Debate year. Wow. My final year of high school speech and debate... I had a good run. I final-ed at state qualifiers, but unfortunately did not get to attend state. Either way, I'm still rather proud of this piece [: It originated as a satirical, humorous process analysis piece I wrote for English class last year on "How to be the Perfect Frenemy," but then I tweeked it to create some slam poetry type pieces along with a few other additions/changes. Hope you like it!

Gather for the ultimatum

Angel and demons gain momentum

Focused on the battle royale

Tic Tac Toe style

It seems simple enough; it is a child’s game. But amongst all those X’s and O’s, draws emerge. The enlightened angels draw their illuminating halos (O’s) as the demonic devils screech behind their burning crosses (X’s). You? You’re shy. You’re shy… You’re... sh-sh-shy…? Head down. Eyes on the ground. Shuffle your feet. Glipse around. There. There, in the corner, is a table, in plain sight. Sit. Pull out a piece of paper. Time to doodle. An X, an O, an X, an O, again and again and… Again the intensity downplays in the eyes of the public. The unsuspecting observer falls victim to these blinding hugs (O’s) and kisses (X’s) and is led astray. She naively decides to join what she thought was an innocent game. Now the angels and demons have decided to join sides, merging into the lonely individual being born in the eyes of society, and a new round of tic-tac-toe has begun.

Life is complicated.

Often times, we can’t tell who is a friend and who is an enemy.

Sometimes, we’re left wondering if we’ll ever be the victor, the one that comes out on top, or if we’ll simply be the straggler left behind.

Unfortunately, some people stoop to the most desperate, even manipulative, measures,

Especially us girls.

Join me today as we explore the demented mind of a girl teaching you the ways to reach the top.

It’s easy. It’s step by step. It’s… crazy.

But you’ve got to plan carefully

In “The Force Called Frenemy”

An original.

Step 1: Find your target

The game has begun

It’s time for the hunt

Locate your target

Lock on and don’t forget

She should have the same hobbies, interests, extracurriculars; same everything, other than how she always seems to be on top of things and better (she isn’t better… you can do it much better). She will be your latest frenemy. This will be the perfect rivalry to fuel this endless war. Stalk up to her, as stealthily as a lioness to a gazelle, but retract your claws. You don’t want to reveal the devil smirking from behind those angelic wings. Introduce yourself with a sugary sweet smile and invite her to join you in a game of Tic. Tac. Toe.

Step 2: Build your hatred

Innocent façade kept all the while

Deep animosity quickly stockpiles

Stored away as ammunition

For her complete annihilation

Breed your hatred like bloodhounds ready for the hunt. Better yet, breed it like the bunnies in the rabbit holes. Harbor and bottle up your loathing until beating your frenemy – so you can be the best at everything – stands as your sole motivation and purpose in life. Always compare yourself to her because if you do not beat her in every single test, sport, activity – scratch that – if you do not beat her at every feat known to mankind, your organs will light on fire and vaporize into a supernova of ashes. Even worse than internally combusting, if you do not beat said person, your parents will rave obsessively over her.

“Why aren’t you pretty like her?”

“Why aren’t you smart like her?”

“Why can’t you be more like her?”

Why can’t she be their child instead? Why were you even born? Even worse than that, your parents will say it’s alright because if you try your best, everything will be fine. But doing fine is not fine. You will emerge as the victor and you will win at tic-tac-toe. You will show them all.

Step 3: Compete

Life is a competition

A place for your abomination

We start where you learned your X’s and O’s

The place of your very first blows

School: where you rush to beat her every score

If ever to fail,

-heartbeat sounds- A minus.

you must prepare more

You’ll just stay away from everyone other than your angels and demons, perfecting your skills.

In sports of every kind

Winning has made you blind

Hog the ball, make the most shots

Tie her shoelaces into knots

Trip her and beat her black and blue

Then smile and apologize as if true

Only an accident, you’re such a klutz

But healthy competition is a must

So sprint and race her for the mile, even if you puke; get dizzy; pass out. Actually, why stop with the mile? Race her no matter the distance, even if it is less than a foot away; after all, the tic-tac-toe grid is a matter of inches.

Step 4: Remember you’re better

Not only the first but also the best

Until you have it all, you cannot rest

Going broke? That’s of no issue…

Then you’ll be first at that too!

Even the quality of the air around you must be better. Now, you are wondering how that could possibly be since we all breathe the same air, right? Wrong. The air you breathe is better. Why? Simply because you are breathing it. Each breath fuels your life and your life purpose: beating your frenemy. At night, stay up talking to her. Load yourself on caffeine if you have to, but do NOT go to bed until she has. You cannot be tired; sleep is for the weak. If she only got two hours of sleep, you only got one. If she pulls an all-nighter, you say, “The concept of sleep? Psh. Hasn’t even crossed my mind.” Instead, you stay up strategically continuing the game of Tic. Tac. Toe.

Step 5: Betrayal

Infiltrate enemy grounds

Within late night talks, information found

She confided in you her life and more

Never expecting what’s in store

No need to be a small fly on the wall

No need to be a simple wall flower

No need to send angels and demons snooping

Because you already have this power

She unknowingly poses as the source

Her demise is straight on course

When she steps away: Unveil her crush. Expose that her F. Trash-talk that trash she was wearing. Talk about how much it clashes with those shades she “shoplifted” from the mall. Imitate the nasal sound of her voice. Bask in the glorious feeling of near success. Taste the sweetness of near victory. Listen to the bravura of the devil’s smirking remarks. Watch as the X’s and O’s play out the way you planned all along.

Step 6: The final touch

To complete your masterpiece string

You are missing but one thing

To claim what is hers as yours

And you’ll have unlocked all doors

Spread rumors and gossip

Then go with your own lips

Tell her boyfriend she wants to split

He’ll break it off to avoid the hit

Comfort both sides secretly

Continue on innocently

“She’s missing out. I don’t know why she’s been treating you like trash to be thrown out.”

“Out with him! He was such a jerk!”

Now here’s your chance to leap

            “How about you and I go out?”

But a sympathetic façade you must keep

            “Things happen for a reason; maybe this is just how it was meant to be.”

It somehow turned out this way

            “Funny how things go, that you and I are here today.”

And you’re sorry to say

            “I’m so sorry; let’s stay friends anyway?”

Inside, however, you gloat and exclaim

As the X’s and O’s line up and you’ve won the game

Step 7: The Aftermath

But always act caring and never let on

A frenemy is friend and enemy and a bit of a pawn

They are a rival of sorts

But only shall see the side you contort

Tell your two-sided conscience to shut up and comply

As in the end they aren’t too different in your lie

You are another battle closer to the end of this endless war, alone and companionless yet again. You won your solitude back. You won the animosity of another frenemy. You won the complete destruction of another life. You won the sweet, masochistic corrosion of your own life. Who needs friends when you can have frenemies? Who else do you need to confide in other than the angels and demons inside your head? And when others start to get jealous and tell you “It’s all in your head,” you know that it is all in your head – planned out exactly the way you want it.

Tic. Tac. Toe.

Beetlemania

This is my Original Oratory (OO)/Persuasive speech for Speech and Debate in 2009-2010.

            Stepping into a young girl’s room, you see walls plastered in posters of cuddly polar bears, playfully pawing at one another in the icy snow. Scattered across the floor and bed - stuffed animals. A single one catches your eye – a huggable panda bear lazily chewing on a leafy bamboo spout. The covers on the bed depict a scene of penguins, swiftly sliding down snowy hills on their round stomachs into the freezing waters below. These adorable animals seem so sweet and lovable. Walking into her big brother’s room, you look around and take in the details. His computer desktop – fierce Siberian tigers, clawing at one another. Several posters – a pack of African wild dogs, foaming at the mouth ready to pounce upon their prey and Javan rhinoceros, charging at one another with their horns, engaged in a full on battle. And sitting upon his desk, a ceramic figurine of a Komodo dragon, whose stare causes a shiver to go through your body.  But… what’s that… in the corner? Dung beetles?!... scurrying around in a putrid pile of poo? Some respect goes to the tough predators, but the image of the dung beetles creeping and crawling around in the filthy feces plain out disgusts the viewer.

            Walking away from these rooms, you realize that these all share the status of endangered animal species. While we are all familiar with the cuddly polar bear as an endangered animal species or the fierce yet beautiful Siberian tiger, when was the last time you saw a young child blissfully embracing a stuffed dung beetle? The adorable animals fill the media, with countless stories and ads calling for prompt protection, yet not a single story goes to the seemingly less significant animal species. People don’t want to acknowledge that there are important creatures to our environment that aren’t too cute or even heroic. The miniscule dung beetles’ population, along with the other not so “cute” animals, swiftly dwindles and soon they may become extinct, resulting in a loss of important environmental assets.

            WARNING: The following information may not be appropriate for people of all ages. … But… the truth must be told; hopefully it doesn’t bug you. The rapid extinction of the dung beetles would have an enormous impact as these insects are found all around the world, except the Polar Regions. They consume Steaming Heaps of Intestinal Throughput… more commonly known as S.H.I.T. Imagine a world without dung beetles; everywhere you step, piles of dung, also known as S.H.I.T. -step- Eww! -step- Gross! -step- Again?! Dung beetles benefit agriculture in a variety of ways. They bury and consume livestock feces and, according to Bioscience Press Releases, billions of dollars of economic losses were averted annually as a result of livestock feces buried by dung beetles (Losey and Vaughan, 2). It also reports that the complete lack of the dung beetles would result in forage fouling, an excess amount of dung left in the open, by the unburied dung causing about 7.63 kg of beef per cattle to go to waste every year (Losey and Vaughan, 3). This is unhealthy for the cattle and results in poor quality beef that cannot be used, sold, or eaten. This decrease in the abundance of beef increases its cost. Imagine walking into a McDonalds and ordering a cheeseburger. -click- -click- -click- That will be $39.65 for your cheeseburger, please. And you think our economy is bad now! Also, had the dung been left out in the open, it would provide a home for flies and other pests (Losey and Vaughan, 4).

            As people hear about these possible and likely losses, they are aware of the drastic damage that can occur, yet the injustice continues. This is mainly due to the politics behind media advertisement. The public wants to see the cuter animals, thus the media covers animals such as pandas and penguins rather than those like beetles. A majority of the public does not even realize that some of these species are endangered. They do not receive enough notification on these topics and base their perspective off of what they do know; bugs multiply rapidly, so beetles must be abundant, right? This mentality is false, however, as these beetles originally have a short lifespan, which is even shorter due to frequent logging, forest fires, predators, as well as humans’ tendency to squish bugs they see. Eww! A bug! Squish it! Hurry! … You know who you are. This results in not enough time for the adults to reproduce as well as diminishing the adult population itself. Still, not much is done about keeping these animal species safe or nursing back their population, for nobody hears of their decline and near extinction as no one informs them about it. The media continuously portrays those adorable animals and their cry for help while the cries of the more important animal species are drowned out as nothing but an insignificant, muffled whimper. Consequently, public donors often donate to organizations to help publicized animals such as the polar bears, while the unheard voices of those like the beetles continue praying for help to no avail. A single organization, the 2009 Rochester Polar Plunge, alone has raised over $12,000 for polar bears, with the top contribution of over $4500 from a single donor, while organizations such as this one are rarely found for animals like the dung beetle (2009 Polar Plunge, 1). What’s wrong with the Society of Poo-eating Dung Beetles?

            In order to put an end to this ignorance, additional media on the more important animals is required to make the public aware of their tragic situations. More news articles and other media coverage will help educate the naïve society and thus plant a seed of awareness, starting a chain reaction toward keeping these vital assets to our environment alive so that no one will poo-poo the importance of the dung beetles. The second step is to establish services to protect these animals. In order to do so, we need to further develop additional government funding for animal preserves and sanctuaries, specifying on animals such as the dung beetles. This is not an unachievable goal since several of these preserves are already available for those like the polar bears. Why not for the dung beetles? … unless you want Steaming Heaps of Intestinal Throughput everywhere… but personally… no thanks. This would make the public more aware of these vital endangered species, causing people to be more willing to vote for additional funding to take care of these animals. This would solve the dilemma of unequal media coverage and government funding would follow suit. In a safe, controlled environment, these endangered species could thrive and begin to breed. Their offspring could be released into the wild and their legacy would thus continue… hopefully not to the point of world domination.  After a while, animals like the dung beetles could be taken off the endangered species list. Our environmental assets would not be lost and nature and the economy could be maintained and even flourish further.

            The government must step in to fund additional publicity on endangered animals that are crucial for the ecosystem as well as animal preserves and sanctuaries to shelter them. As Henry David Thoreau wisely noted, “Nature will bear the closest inspection. She invites us to lay our eye level with her smallest leaf, and take an insect view of its plain” (Quotes on Nature, 1). We, as citizens, need to take action and care for the environment that makes up our world. Though we do not always take the time to think about these animals or their interaction with our own lives, their daily routines affect our ecosystems’ health and prosperity as well as our economy. Taking a closer look at what these animals truly do for our society, as well as the danger that their species is in, will result in a greater number of people ready be proactive to reform the ways of the media and their own perspectives. It is much harder to find information about issues unless the media brings it to our attention. But once people are finally aware of what is happening to these beetles and the drastic outcomes that could occur to not only nature, but people as well, they will be willing to make a difference. So the next time you are about to step on a beetle, stop … pick it up … bring it home … and let it clean up that present Scruffy just left behind.

Your Soul's Sole

This is my Original Prose and Poetry (OPP) piece from the last school year (2010-11) for Speech and Debate... Now that I'm done competing with it, I've decided to post it up for you all to read. Of course it's not quite the same as me performing it, but it should be an interesting read anyway. Enjoy!

I.                   Teaser:

Schelly: HEELS!

Mattie: HEELS!

Karcyn: HEELS!

Damon: HEELS!

Fiona: HEELS!

II.                Intro:

Shoes, Shoes, Shoes

Aisles filled with way too many to use

Occupying department stores

Then there are those dedicated to even more!

Sneakers, Sandals, Slip ons

But we all know HEELS are the greatest turn-ons

Or possibly for some,

An omen of doom to come

Heels with their endless appeal

For your problems they are sure to heal

Or are those simply lies

Evil and death in disguise?

Soon we’ll all discover

A use for such and another

In “Your Soul’s Sole”

A Vanessa Wu Original

III.             Body:

Schelly: I was always bullied throughout my childhood – teased for being the shortest of my class. I could easily blend in with the younger kids – those who were 9, 8, even 7 years old – when I was in junior high. As we got older it just got worse and worse. Shorty Schelly had gained herself a reputation as the miny munchkin. I got called names, shoved inside lockers, into trash cans, and tossed around. But nothing was ever as bad as today. All of the above. PLUS now… I am cornered in this dark alley with a ton of scary jock girls. A sweet looking girl steps to the front and, for a second, I let myself hope that she’d try to help … but she turned to them and said in a sickly sweet voice, “Leave the shrimp to me, I’ll take care of EVERYTHING.” She turned on me then with an evil smile upon her angelic doll-like face and assaulted me with her high heels. They dug into my flesh, tearing me apart, and all I could feel was pain. And then… Nothing.

Mattie: When I was younger, I loved to play with dolls and everyone still thinks I AM a doll… well… I’m SICK of it. I found a way to vent this tension by having my dolls attack each other –dolls talking: “Hello there, little girl. Well, don’t you look like a doll?” “I’m not a doll!” “Aww, what a cute voice to go with your cute face! Such a doll-like girl MUST be sweet.” “I am NOT! I’ll show you! DIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!”-… but soon, it wasn’t satisfying enough anymore. So when I saw all the jock girls pushing around this midget of a girl, I came up with my master plan. Everyone thought I was innocent anyway… so I would get away with anything! I took advantage of that little black alley and pulled off my heel to use as a knife so I could finally fulfill my nightly dreams of slashing across skin and gouging out eyes, but sirens rang and a cop pulled up, followed by an ambulance to take her to the hospital. The officer’s deep green eyes darted between me and the girl unconscious on the floor. He hesitated a moment, not believing such a sweet looking girl could have done something like this. But with her being so puny and passed out and me grasping a bloody heel, my self defense excuse didn’t pass so well… I should’ve thought this through some more…

Karcyn: Heeeeey! Looking good! They see me rollin’ and they hatin’ and they’re trying to catch me ridin’ dirty and they’re trying to catch me ridin’ dirty and they’re trying to catch me ridin’ dirty and they’re trying to catch me ridin’ dirty (Chamillionaire)… Ah! That party was like so HOT! Mm.. and those guys were like smokin’! and they like totally couldn’t like keep their eyes… and their hands… off me… SO totally lovin’ these new stilettos! Aww shiz! The cops are like on my tail! Better pull over and put these sexy stilettos to use! He walks up to me and tells me to step out of the car to walk in a straight line. No way am I like gonna get like written up for a stupid DUI! I totally didn’t walk straight but his deep green eyes were like on my swaying hips and sexy legs. Thank god for my hot bod! I bent over to pick up my purse and I was like totally off the hook!

Damon: God! My big sister is amazing. You would not believe what that girl can do with a pair of heels. Never underestimate the power of heels OR Karcyn! Her hot bod and her hot clothes combined can get any guy to do anything. She’s the one who showed me the power of clothes. She’s the reason I dress the way I do now. She was, is, my inspiration for my fashion masterpieces. Speaking of which, I need some new heels! I pull Fiona, my totally feminist BFF, off the couch and to the shoe store we go! Even though she despises heels, we go way back, so she won’t mind coming with me!

Fiona: I was just flipping through channels spread out on Damon’s couch like I do practically every day. And then, Damon decided he just HAD to get some new heels. Why did Karcyn HAVE to show up with her latest shameful scandal?! She is a disgrace for caving into conformity. I remember when Damon and I used to play in the mud and wrestle. Then one day, he insisted on dress up instead. Now he just asked for his shoe size for some hideous excuse of shoes and the salesperson handed it to ME! Can you imagine?! What is her problem? Do I seem like the type of person who would wear heels?! These things are an oppression of women, so she can’t run from man! At least Damon is breaking down stereotypes…

Schelly: I’m out of the hospital! Time to go buy some heels to fix my whole height issue… oh look! Damon’s here! He’s so cute… and he’s even accompanying his best friend shoe shopping! Oh right! My height remedy!

Mattie: Ugh! Mental rehabilitation is such a waste of my time… They should have realized it wouldn’t have any impact on me anyway… Ah well, time for a new pair of weapons of mass destruction!

Karcyn: I like really can’t let my lil bro get like all the fun… shopping and shoes WERE like MY expertise first, yaknow? Even sexier me like totally coming up!

Damon: These are perfect! They’ll make my newest outfit mind-blowing! I’ll look fantastic… maybe even as good as Karcyn!

Fiona: Ugh… those are death traps… Why must he insist on heels? Out of the millions of shoe choices he could’ve gone with… -sigh- I’ll never understand boys…