Jail Cell of Memory

You were just some boy

I didn’t even know your existence

I didn’t even know your name

Then you spoke to me

A single goodbye

And you had my brain entangled

I had to know more

I had to satiate my curiosity

I didn’t know what I was getting

            myself into

            my heart into

            my emotions into

            my life into

Except that I did

I knew

you were that boy

you would have your life

you would have admirers

you would have your flaws

you would make me forget – or, rather, not care

you would break my heart

you would one day leave, be gone, be free

A final goodbye

            just as it started, it would end

            you with your singular line – your single goodbye

            and I would be caught off guard

Stunned

            into silence

            heart pierced

mind racing, wondering, curious

by need, to be satiated

without a response to sustain moment

And eventually, you have been erased

– removed, except not really

And that goodbye, that forgetting

            is the best and worst moment of my life

Because I cannot deal with all the pain and tears

            that you caused me

            that I brought upon myself in my paranoia, my silence, my presence by your presence

Glad to be away from it all,

            Yet I want to be back again

Glad to know I’ll still have you in my brain and heart

– memory

yet I want to know why can’t I free you

            from this jail cell within me

                        and why can’t this jail cell let me free?

Locking up these emotions and thoughts and memories

            is the best and the worst for me

                        it was and is the death and life of you and me

                                    and of you

and of I