The Brothers Grimm Spectaculathon (Vanessa and Sumesh's Final Cut)

This is Sumesh and my Dual Interpretation (Duo) script for the 2011-2012 school year. We went through SO many cuts and versions and spins of this script by Don Zolidis. We had so much fun developing the characters and putting our own spin to the story. I hope you enjoy what ended up being our final cut of the year! The Brothers Grimm Spectaculathon - Vanessa and Sumesh's version, everyone. Enjoy!

NARRATOR 2. Sunday Sunday Sunday. It's EXTREME! See! Monster slaying action as the three-headed pig battles the wolf-o-bot in a bone-crushing cage match of death. They'll huff and they'll puff and they'll kick some! –

NARRATOR 1. Okay, stop. We're not doing that.

NARRATOR 2. Blood! Violence! Death! People being cut open with scissors!

NARRATOR 1. Can you stop?

NARRATOR 2. Flames! Flames!

NARRATOR 1. Enough, You're weirding them out.

NARRATOR 2. I'm EXTREME.

NARRATOR 1. No you're not. Can we just do the show?                                                                        

NARRATOR 2. I’m so excited I’m going to throw up.

NARRATOR 1. A little background to begin.

NARRATOR 2. The Brothers Grimm were brothers named Grimm. They are dead. But in the period before they died the Brothers Grimm wrote 209 fairy tales –

NARRATOR 1. They didn't write them –

NARRATOR 2. The Brothers Grimm did not write 209 fairy tales that we know today, they were frauds. We should dig up their bodies and spit on their corpses.

NARRATOR 1. No! I'm just saying that they were collectors of stories. Quite a few of these stories have become immortalized in film and television-

NARRATOR 2. Of course they've all been changed by "the mouse," to feed their enormous octopus-like animation empire which sucks the life out of existence and crushes your soul in a death-grip of happy happy songs and talking objects. I can't even speak their name aloud because they're looking for a way to sue me right now. You won't win. My uncle is a lawyer! He defended OJ. That means I can kill anyone I want and no one can get me.

NARRATOR 1. O-kay. What we are going to do for you right now is return these fairy tales to their original glory.

SUMESH.  Society is a myriad of problems…

VANESSA. My chocolate chip cookie was oatmeal raisin.

SUMESH.  My family fights over the remote.

VANESSA. Teenagers

SUMESH. Trespassing.

VANESSA. Backroom deals.

SUMESH. Theft.

VANESSA. Violence.

SUMESH.  Drug abuse.

VANESSA. Starvation.

SUMESH.  Dehumanization.

VANESSA. Politics.

BOTH. My duo partner

SUMESH. Which all leads to nuclear war.

VANESSA. Dude. Wrong event.

SUMESH. Right.  But the biggest problem is that these problems have their own problem. Perception.

VANESSA. Instead of portraying reality, fairy tales have us believe in “happily ever afters.”

SUMESH. So, today, we’d like to put a more realistic spin on the problems of

 Snow White

 The Stepmother

Hansel

Gretel

The Witch

Rapunzel

The Devil

Rapunzel’s Mother

BOTH. In The Brother’s Grimm Spectaculathon by Don Zolidis.

BOTH. Once upon a time there was...

STEPMOTHER. Snow White.

SNOW WHITE. Stepmother.

BOTH NARRATORS.  The battle you’ve all been waiting for.

STEPMOTHER. I believe you're putting on weight.

SNOW WHITE. Not on this body, sister. These curves are tight and streamlined like a racing yacht owned by a rich Colombian drug dealer.

STEPMOTHER. I think you might need to tweeze your eyebrows. They're looking ... puffy.

SNOW WHITE. My eyebrows are sculpted like a block of clay in the hands of a blind god of sculpting eyebrows.

BOTH NARRATORS. What happens when they stop being nice and start being real?

STEPMOTHER. Look at me and know despair, Snow White. I've tucked , sucked , and erased every visible trace of the past twenty-seven years, and now, I am more beautiful than even you.

SNOW WHITE. You're hideous and deformed! My stomach recoils in horror as you approach!

STEPMOTHER. I AM more beautiful than you. I am! I am the prettiest!

SNOW WHITE. When are you going to learn Stepmother, that we women shouldn't be judged by our surface beauty but rather by the contents of our brains?

BOTH NARRATORS. You’ll find out, who’s the toughest of them all?

STEPMOTHER. That's stupid. No one cares about ugly people.

SNOW WHITE. Well no one cares about you!

STEPMOTHER. How about I take you on then?

SNOW WHITE. A titanic struggle of good and evil. Purity versus corruption.

BOTH. Everybody was kung fu fighting!

STEPMOTHER. Your kung fu is strong.

NARRATOR 2. Our next story: Hansel. And. Gretel.

GRETEL. Hansel, I saw you smoking.

HANSEL. Smoking is cool, Gretel. It makes me feel like a man with dark, sultry lungs and a deep, masculine cough. Let's go out in the woods.

GRETEL. I don't know if I want to.

HANSEL. IN SOVIET RUSSIA YOU DON’T KNOW WANT. WANT KNOW YOU..

GRETEL.  Okay.

HANSEL. Here we are in the woods.  IT’S A HOUSE. MADE OUT OF CANDY!

WITCH 1. Are you eating my house?

HANSEL. No!

WITCH. I'm going to teach you a lesson. By eating you.

WITCH. But I'm going to fatten you up first.

NARRATOR 2. So Hansel and Gretel were locked away and force fed sugar water and they got fatter.

HANSEL.  Are you going to eat that?

GRETEL. No!

NARRATOR 1. Then they dieted a little bit. But then they got fatter again.

NARRATOR 2. Until one day…

HANSEL. Eat this, witch!

WITCH. Ah I'm melting! Oh wait ... I'm burning and dying in an ironic way!!

HANSEL. Hey Gretel. I was talking to some bad kids. And they were telling me that drugs are cool. It's fairy dust. Everyone's doing it. It lets you fly.

GRETEL. No!

 HANSEL. I'll do it myself then.

NARRATOR 1. And he jumped off a cliff.

HANSEL. I believe I can fly! I believe I can…

GRETEL. Oh no. Fairy dust has claimed another life. All we are is dust in the wind.

NARRATOR 2. Our next story: Rapunzel and her Mother

NARRATOR 1. Her mother? She was poor.

GIRL. Oh I am poor.

NARRATOR 1. I just said that.

GIRL. Oh, I can’t even afford dirt.

DEVIL. Excuse me - but I couldn't help overhearing your tale of misery and woe. Tell you what-I will grant you your heart's desire if you give me one small thing.

GIRL. That sounds like a great bargain. I won't even ask what the small thing is because I'm so innocent and trusting and stupid!

DEVIL. Just sign this one small contract and I shall make you rich. Beyond your wildest dreams. And you shall conceive a daughter so beautiful the very earth will want to kiss her. But in a platonic way. Nothing kinky.

GIRL. That sounds like a great idea. Because I’m stupid.

DEVIL. Moo ah ha ha ha ha ha!

GIRL. Hey look a giant pot of gold!

NARRATOR 1. And she conceived a child.

GIRL. Whoah! How did that happen?

RAPUNZEL. Through magic. The magic of the devil!

NARRATOR 1. Years passed.

GIRL. Rapunzel, cut your hair.

RAPUNZEL. I do what I want! GOT IT? OR I WILL TEAR OUT YOUR TINY HEART AND USE IT AS A CHEW TOY FOR MY HALF-CHIHUAHUA, HALF-DOBERMAN MIX, GOT IT?

DEVIL. I have returned. Your time is up.

GIRL. Fine. What do you want?

DEVIL. Your child.

RAPUNZEL. Mom!?!!

GIRL. I may have signed with the devil…

RAPUNZEL. Mom!?!!

GIRL. What?! I was young! I needed the money! And the baby! But really just the money.

RAPUNZEL. I can't believe you! I hate you! I am so outta here!

NARRATOR 2. Our next story is

NARRATOR 1. Hold on. We don’t have enough actors left to continue…

NARRATOR 2. So it's time for the lightning round re-cap? Ready?

NARRATOR 1. I was born ready.

NARRATOR 2. All right then. And ... GO!

NARRATOR 1. Snow White.

NARRATOR 2. Vanity. Violence.

NARRATOR 1. Hansel and Gretel.

NARRATOR 2. Gluttony. Drug abuse.

NARRATOR 1. Rapunzel and her mother.

NARRATOR 2. Greed. Teenagers.

NARRATOR 1. The Brothers Grimm Spectaculathon.

NARRATOR 2.It's EXTREME!

NARRATOR 1. Our problems are extreme.